I wrote this way back in 2004. When you are talking about computers – that is really a long time ago. But I think it holds up. You will have to forgive the reference to the dial-up modem internet connection but if you’ve lived with that you will appreciate the problem. On the other hand – if you don’t remember when the computer used the telephone to talk to other computers I can only say that you missed an interesting bit of history.

I have made an important discovery. I have discovered how computers age. Not the process by which they age, but rather the speed at which they do so.

Computers age slightly faster than dogs and with apologies to dog lovers, computers are much smarter. The rate is 6 computer years to one human year. I offer the following as evidence.

When your computer is new, you have to provide it with all types of learning experiences in the way of programs. You have to set parameters, user preferences, and other guidelines. The computer may display some crankiness and that is to be expected. This is caused by both of your inexperience. When the computer is frustrated or tired it will express itself by freezing – the electronic version of holding its breath. Still, during the first year you will experience many hours of joy discovering your computer’s capabilities.

If the first year is marked by frustration and joy the next year is one of relative calm. The human equivalent is 7 to 12 years of age. For the most part your computer will behave as you expect it to. It will follow your instructions and usually act in a predictable manner – displaying, of course, its own personality. But you will be familiar with its idiosyncrasies and happily work around them. The computer will be delighted with any new hardware or software you provide easily incorporating them into its being. You will take great pleasure in seeing your computer display – “new hardware detected” – and may overindulge.

The 3^rd year is equivalent to human teen years, 13 – 18. Your computer will begin to show signs of independence. Previously you were in control. When things did not work as you expected, a brief time-out in the way of a soft boot would usually correct the behaviour. During the third year your computer will become increasingly lazy. It will develop memory problems. Your energetic and eager to please two-year old will become a sullen, grumpy 3-year old. Increasingly your computer will ‘give you attitude’ in the form of error messages. It will simply refuse to do what you ask and sit there staring at you, seemingly frozen.

My three-year-old computer has taken over the family phone. (It was this behaviour that led me to my revolutionary aging theory.) I was liberal with allowing my computer time with its friends conversing over the Internet. Now the computer no longer waits for my instructions. It simply dials out whenever it feels like it. I was willing to overlook this but the computer never hangs up. During the first two years, my computer would cheerfully go into sleep mode at night and took frequent naps during the day. Last night when I got up to go to the bathroom the glow from my office alerted me to my computer’s activities. Sure enough, the computer was awake – and online. I had no choice but to turn it off.

One other thing will alert you to your computer’s new self-awareness. You will begin to get very strange emails. I suspect that my computer is male but I need to do further research in this area.

Your computer will become very demanding as it nears the end of its third year.  You will need to buy it ‘upgrades’ so that it can be like the other computers.  It will want more accessories – and you won’t have the heart to deny it.  The scanner that was good enough when the computer was one and two will seem woefully inadequate to your teenaged computer.  It will want more and bigger and better and faster.  And all of that will be more than it can handle.  You will need to supplement its memory.  But like a true teenager, it will have no idea how to handle the increased memory and will allocate it poorly – giving you even more grief.

I note that my warranty expires at the same time that the computer ends its third year. The support that you have relied on will be withdrawn and you will be on your own. The 4^th year (19 – 24) is not likely to be smooth sailing. You will need to come to grips with the fact that you have no control over your computer. If you do not have it properly configured by this point it is simply too late. The sum of the computer’s character will have been formed. The Internet will have more and more influence and you will become nothing more than a human interface. Although, like many young folk in this age group, the computer will continue to expect financial support.

I expect that in the 5^th year the computer will come to appreciate you and will reach a certain, previously unheard of, stability. But I don’t intend to wait to find out. I feel I owe it to my computer to see it through its fourth year. But after that – it can go and find meaningful employment and make its own way in the world.